I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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