you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
