She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
