I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
