halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
