Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
