dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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