I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
