I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
