the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
