Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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