What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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