im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
