3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
