Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
