I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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