remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize