As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
