dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
