Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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