apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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