Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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