I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
