Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
