i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
