I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
