He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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