Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
