The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
