i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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