You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
