standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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