What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize