i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
