I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
