Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
