You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
