Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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