the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
