U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
