got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize