Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
