shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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