This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize