I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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