You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
