I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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