I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize