i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
