Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
