I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
