Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
