dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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