I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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