KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
