I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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