K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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